I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
You Might Also Like
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”