I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
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Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.