My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Well, shit
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes