For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
HR said no more nunchucks.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on