[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you