I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
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There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
This is no longer winter this is harassment
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.