I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
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forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Running from your problems is cardio .
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
channeling her this year
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.