Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Chicago sounds lovely.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
True freaking story!
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.