Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So inspired right now.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money