Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AtmanThakrar

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

@CrockettForReal

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

@robdelaney

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

@BlindChow

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

@Parentpains

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

@RealLaVarTrump

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

@AllyBallyBeal

I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!

@777jorgeivan

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

@soanim8ed

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.