It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
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I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Going into Monday like
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.