You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!