Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
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{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)