{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
plums roundup
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM