Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
You Might Also Like
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Love this guy
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.