“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
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Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki