Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
You Might Also Like
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”