No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website