Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this