me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.