So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
You Might Also Like
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I’m not wrong
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.