*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Are you ok, human???
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
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“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.