I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
You Might Also Like
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Holy shit he’s back
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.