Holy shit he’s back
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My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.