Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
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Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops