a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.