You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Wake me when AI does housework
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago