Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions