Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
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Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.