Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
j o i m p
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.