“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off