“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.


What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?


I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”


I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.


Check out this list number 5 is awesome.


Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.


Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants


*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?


“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”


[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*