Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
we’re dead?
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now