My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
the battle rages on
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.