“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
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I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
real
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Hmm, not sure about this change
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not