I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
forgive me baja for i have blast
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!