The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?