If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

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♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.


2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.


I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.


The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks


Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?


A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.



*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.


Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.


Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible