If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
no
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.