If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
You Might Also Like
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
incredible book dedication
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.