If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
incredible book dedication
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.