@osigat ♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
@PhilLaysheO If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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@osigat 
@dshack8 2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
@PaperWash I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
@kimlockhartga How do horror writers compete with current events?
@kariassad The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
@AimeeHelene1 Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
@crunchenhanced A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
@sofarrsogud DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
@Dani_Feld Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
@TribalSpaceCat Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible