Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
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Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.