My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My dog ate my work from home.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.