I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
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The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.