Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport