bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
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Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
good work, detective
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.