Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird