Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
![]()
You Might Also Like
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
![]()
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
*checks Timeline*…
![]()
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team