I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician