Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people


If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.


My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.


At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”


I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.


Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.


“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”


[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.


Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.


“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*