Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis