@burntmybagel

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

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@iRowlf

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

@joshandbeyond

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

@LipLush1

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

@SomthinBoutSara

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

@Carbosly

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

@FatherWithTwins

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

@lazy_joe_

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician