@burntmybagel
@suecorvette I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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@suecorvette 
@iRowlf Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
@joshandbeyond All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
@LipLush1 You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
@SomthinBoutSara If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
@Carbosly “We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
@FatherWithTwins My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
@samalmightysam I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
@OhNoSheTwitnt I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
@lazy_joe_ Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician