Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
You Might Also Like
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.