[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun