I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid