Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
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Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*