Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

🤣🤣🤣

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP