{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly