Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
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You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?