Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.