If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
You Might Also Like
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.