*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
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My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Barbie gone wild
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.