Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
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I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
why isn’t he texting back
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!