Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.